Emotional Regulation and Relationships

 Of course, trying to dismiss or shrink our feelings isn’t only dangerous in life-threatening situations. Learning to work with our feelings—listening to them, before jumping in to manage them—is essential to our ability to have satisfying relationships. 

 In other words: being able to nonjudgmentally accept and listen to our feelings allows us to accept and empathize with the emotions of others. 

Now, this is easier said than done! Everyone has had the experience of struggling with a “pesky” feeling—like frustration, or jealousy—and taking it out on someone close to them by snapping at them or shutting down. By denying these “little” feelings that can snag us as we move through our day, we force those feelings to come out sideways—in ways that can injure our relationships. 

To get a better look at how accepting our feelings can better help us show up in relationships, let’s start by taking a look at

what just might be the hardest feeling to accept—grief.

Grief: Surviving the Darkness

Those who have experienced a significant loss, or are close to someone who has, can probably recognize the very common scenario illustrated in this example:

• Jeff loses his daughter in a car accident. His sister, who lost her husband and found support in a widow’s group, heads over to his house where she holds him, makes him dinner, and cries with him. 

The next day, Jeff’s neighbor has heard about the car accident—but when he and Jeff run into each other, the neighbor is quiet and awkward. He asks Jeff how he’s holding up, and Jeff answers honestly—that he’s hurting so badly, he doesn’t know how he’ll get through it. The neighbor becomes immediately uncomfortable—he stiffens up, and tells Jeff in an assertive tone that his daughter is in a better place now, and the best thing to do is just move forward. Jeff walks away feeling shamed and dismissed.

 It’s obvious that Jeff’s grief triggered this neighbor. Jeff’s sister, who has had the opportunity to feel and accept her grief and allowed it to communicate to her that she needs the support of her widow’s group, is able to show up for Jeff during this dark time—and their relationship as siblings will grow stronger for it. Jeff’s neighbor, who was taught as a child that real men don’t need to bother with grief, isn’t able to sustain the weight of Jeff’s devastating feelings—and the two will probably drift apart. 

Let’s take a look now at another tough emotion: shame.

Shame: Our Messenger of Vulnerability

Shame is a powerful emotion, often lurking in the shadows of our psyche. That feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy can feel poisonous, so we often try to silence and squash it—only to have it come roaring back, more powerful than before. 

In relationships, this forced denial of shame has a knack for causing rifts, misunderstandings, and distance. We become so drained from trying to hide what we see as our inadequacy, that we drift away from the people we care about. 

To acknowledge our shame is a powerful disruption to this cycle of shutting down and isolating. When we identify that we feel shame, we become capable of listening to what it’s actually trying to tell us: that we feel vulnerable, and probably need some encouragement, validation, or even forgiveness. 

By accepting that we feel shame, and letting it show us that we have these needs, we become capable of receiving the closeness we need and deserve—and, we become capable of giving our partners, friends, and family the honesty that they deserve. Allowing others to support us strengthens our relationships; when we show our loved ones we need support, we affirm that they are trustworthy and important to us. 

Another feeling that everyone has tried to suppress, rather than accept, is fear. After all, we often need to act in ways contrary to our fear: we need to make that dental appointment, even when we’re scared; we need to show up to that meeting with our boss, even though we might rather run out of the office. So what does accepting fear—without letting it govern our choices—look like?

Fear: “Closeness Needed!”

In relationships, denying our fear can manifest in all kinds of destructive ways, from distancing ourselves from others to acting aggressively in order to convince ourselves that we aren’t scared. 

But we humans are a social species—we cannot survive without community. Listening to and acknowledging our fear isn’t only essential to help us run away from saber tooth tigers—it’s essential in keeping us connected. 

When we stop running from our fear—when we pause long enough to ask that fear what it’s trying to tell us—we’ll discover that fear is simply speaking on behalf of a need we may be neglecting. If we’re afraid our partner might be losing interest in us, our fear is there to tell us we need to reach out to them and see how they feel. If we’re afraid of losing our jobs, the fear is there to tell us we need some kind of help—perhaps simply reassurance, or some strategic support with looking at new opportunities. 

No matter what the fear is, accepting that it is there won’t make the threat any more dangerous—in fact, it’s the first step in getting the support we need in order to address the threat. 

Now what about envy? Envy is so often considered an “ugly” emotion—and is famously one of the seven sins. But it’s important to embrace the reality that feelings themselves aren’t immoral or bad; while our actions can hurt others, our feelings merely exist inside of us. So how can we accept our envy without acting on it in regrettable ways? 

Envy: An Opportunity for Reflection

Envy: that dreaded pang of longing mixed with resentment, triggered by witnessing the professional, social, or sexual success of others. We all know envy has the potential to push us toward regrettable behaviors like pettiness, bullying, or even theft. But these destructive actions aren’t actually the direct result of envy itself—rather, they’re the product of our frantic efforts to escape our envy as quickly as possible. 

What if, instead of trying to escape our envy, we paused and listened to it? What if envy might be yet another important messenger? 

When we confront envy with curiosity and compassion, we unearth valuable insights about our desires and aspirations. It allows us to acknowledge our own wants and needs. And, it’s a reminder that we might need some affirmation on our existing successes and the journeys we had to take to get there. 

Rather than shoving our envy away, we can share it with someone close to us. We can allow them to point out any blind spots we might have about our existing success and the challenges we’ve already overcome. And, we can allow them to reassure us—which, in turn, gives us more bandwidth to reassure them in return when the time comes. 



Our Day-to-Day Feelings

 In the above examples, it’s clear how learning to accept and listen to our own challenging feelings is necessary in order to show up for others. But it’s important to bear in mind that this principal goes for the smaller, day-to-day feelings as well:

·   Being able to forgive ourselves for getting annoyed by something minor makes us much better at tolerating when others are annoyed. If we don’t fear our own annoyance, then we aren’t scared to ask questions like, “Is this music I’m playing bothering you?” or, “You seem quiet—have I done something to annoy you?” 

·   If we can listen to our own anger with compassion and patience, we can handle others being angry, and communicate rather than freezing up or fighting back: “Hey, you seem mad about what I said earlier. Should we talk about it?” “I understand you’re angry—but yelling is not okay with me. Please lower your voice.”

·   When we can accept our own insecurities—not as evidence of our shortcomings, but rather as emotional injuries that deserve tenderness and care—we can be much more supportive to others, instead of getting inpatient, dismissive, or judgmental: “I know you’re feeling down about that feedback you got. Do you want to talk through it?” “You’re being so hard on yourself—is there anything I can do to help?” 

A Lifelong Practice

        The truth is, being human, having feelings, and caring about others is hard! 

 But the good news is, none of these things need to be done perfectly—in fact, there is no such thing as perfection. Learning to listen to the information that our feelings are trying to give us is an ongoing practice—and as the seasons of our lives change, this practice will become easier, then harder, then easier again. 

Interested in enhancing your emotional regulation? Reach out and try out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as one of the best evidence-based approaches to improving emotional regulation.